i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize