my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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