My sheets look like a crime scene.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
