Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
