I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
