i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
