your parents love me but you hate me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
bring money and cleavage
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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