i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize