see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
