You just made me feel so damn special
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
