This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
