I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
