Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
