Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
