Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
