I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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