dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
