I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
