Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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