Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
