Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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