Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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