Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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