you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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