I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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