I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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