I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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