so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
