I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
