The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
