Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
