I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
