No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
