I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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