I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
