I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
