$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
