I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
