Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
