Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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