Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
