We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
