I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
