dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
