I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
