peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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