remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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