she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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