I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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