im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
