Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
