Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
