I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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