Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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