3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
