My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.