just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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