I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
im on a boat
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