Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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