It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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